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Venerable
Ajahn Sumedho -
Escape
Reflections on Cittanusatipatthana, the third Foundation of Mindfulness,
given by Luang Por Sumedho during a retreat at Amaravati in September,
1997
A few words on cittanupassana-satipatthana - mindfulness of the state of
mind (the mood): with this, I've found it very helpful to ask myself and
to contemplate what mood I am in, because it's easy to be living life
mechanically. We can be so wrapped up in our habits and reactions that
we don't fully know the mood. There was one time when somebody told me I
was angry, and I denied it; actually I was angry, and I didn't even know
- I couldn't admit it to myself. But it's only in admitting these things
to ourselves that we can resolve them.
The energies and emotions that we have can be frightening, even to
oneself. My character is one that wants to have a nice life where
everybody is smiling and saying: 'Everything's OK' - even if it isn't!
Life can be lived on that level: not daring to bring up or to admit, let
alone to contemplate, the way things are - because we feel so threatened
or frightened, and a part of us doesn't really want to know. We don't
feel we can take it; we don't know or understand ourselves in a way that
allows us to deal with what we think are bad habits or personal
problems.
I think there's also a fear of insanity, or that there might be
something basically wrong with us: 'Maybe there's a screw loose, or I've
missed out on something when I was born' - because when we look at
ourselves, we don't really understand why we are this way. Often, at
least in my generation when I was young, men never admitted things - we
played roles, we acted out the macho style: 'Nothing frightens me, I'm
not afraid of anything.' We gave the appearance of being invincible and
tough. In the Navy, I remember being on a ship where everybody was
playing this role - but, actually, I felt very different: 'We're all
saying we're tough, but I'm really scared to death. I must be the only
one on the ship who feels this way - but I don't want them to know that,
because I don't know what they'll do to me if they find out!' Nowadays I
think people are more willing to admit to each other, and to themselves:
'I'm frightened', or, 'I do have these desires', or, 'I do feel angry,'
or whatever.
I was someone who really couldn't bear to feel confused, so I always
wanted to have a certification of things: 'Tell me what to do, how do
you do this?' I wanted to know exactly, and to have everything neatly
arranged so that I'd feel secure; then if I didn't, there would be this
uncertainty or confusion - which I'd resist, I'd always try to get rid
of it. But what I'd suggest now is that when you do feel uncertain or
insecure or confused by anything, you take the opportunity to
contemplate the feeling. Look inward, and ask: 'What is it like?...'
'There's this confusion right now. I don't know what to do, or what's
going on. Am I right or wrong? Should I or shouldn't I?' Then listen,
and just observe that mood as an object of mind - without judging it -
and see what happens.
We can bring up a mood of doubt to stop the thinking mind, using a
question like, 'Who am I?' (or any question that will bring up a state
of doubt). We can be aware of that gap in the mind where there's no
thought; we actually use the space between thoughts. So with a doubting
nature, we can use that doubt as a skilful means to develop the ability
to know not knowing; we see that, 'It's like this: "Don't know..."'
The thinking mind stops. We can use deliberate thinking also, noticing
the space between the words. For example: 'I am a human being.' Before
thinking it, there's a pause, then 'I,' and there's a gap, 'am' another
gap, 'a' - gap - 'human' - gap - 'being' - finished. Nothing. So we get
used to noticing and paying attention to nothing, to a gap, to where the
thinking mind is not there. This helps in developing connected
mindfulness, in which mindfulness isn't just being aware of things or
sensations, but also being aware of no-thing, and of the background -
the emptiness, the space, the silence. We have to awaken to notice that
because the mind is not conditioned to noticing it, even though it's
obvious. It's here and now - we're not making it up - and we can
suddenly notice, and awaken to the way it is.
So, in terms of the mood, I can contemplate: 'What kind of mood am I
in?' I can go into the body and see if there's anxiety, or if I feel
dissatisfied or ill at ease; or if I feel happy or very positive -
whatever. Whatever the mood - the kind of internal atmosphere - I can be
aware of that as an object that I can observe. Then, once we really get
used to observing the mood we're no longer just a victim of it; we no
longer resist or indulge in what we're experiencing.
Knowing what state of mind you're in - the way it is, in terms of its
quality, is actually a Foundation of Mindfulness. Normally, we try to
manipulate and change the moods, or think positively to make ourselves
feel better - there doesn't seem to be any escape from the condition.
But the religious goal is the escape. There is an escape from suffering
- from the conditioned, the born, the created and the originated. To
paraphrase the Buddha: 'There is the Unborn, Uncreated, Unoriginated. If
there was not the Unborn, Uncreated, Unoriginated, there would be no
escape from the born, the created, the originated. But because there is
the Unborn, the Uncreated, the Unoriginated, therefore there is an
escape from the created, the born, the originated.'
This kind of escape is encouraged: to free oneself from being bound and
caught up in the deathbound state. We call it 'deathbound' because, when
you really contemplate it, everything in these khandas: the thoughts,
memories, feelings, the body - is going to die, to cease. So if you're
attached to the five khandhas - and that's all there is - actually,
you're attached to death. Although people think they're attached to life
when they're fascinated by and attached to the conditioned realm, really
they are attaching to death. They may say they love life, but isn't what
they consider to be life just a part of a bigger picture that is not
admitted into full consciousness?
There's always this kind of fairytale, or naive hope, that the
fulfilment of desire will be the answer to our suffering: if we meet the
perfect person, then we'll live happily ever after; or, once we get lots
of money then we'll be really happy; or, once we get everything we
desire, we won't have any more desires. But consider: people who seem to
have everything - how OK are they? Is it worth spending your life trying
to fulfil all your desires? It doesn't take much reflection to see that
it's a bit of a waste - because as long as desire is your attachment,
your delusion, it will always perpetuate itself. You may get momentary
gratification but that's about the best you can expect. You get what you
want, and for that moment you feel gratified but then it starts again,
you're looking for something else - and it goes on and on and on. This
is because the basic problem is the identification with, and attachment
to, desire.
But our true nature isn't that; it isn't desire, it isn't death. There
is the Unconditioned, Unborn, Uncreated, Unoriginated: Amaravati - the
Deathless Realm, which is timeless, apparent here and now. So what can
that be in terms of experience, now? If we practise in order to improve
ourselves or to get something in the future that will always take us to
suffering. In meditation, no matter how much you strive and work to be
disciplined, how many hours a day you sit, if you still operate from
this basic delusion you end up with suffering as a result.
You can't get enlightenment through ignorance. The way to realise, or to
be enlightened, is to awaken to the present - to trust in the ability to
listen, to be in a state of simple awareness. This may be difficult to
sustain, because we are programmed for passions - for going up and down
the scale of greed, hatred and delusion in all its variations. However,
there is that which is aware of the passions, that can be established
through mindfulness - of body, feelings, mind states and mental
phenomena. Mindfulness and reflection on the five khandhas allows us to
change our attitude towards them, rather than always seeing them as 'me
and mine.'
So the constant requirement in all these experiences is mindfulness. We
notice the arising of a condition, like an inhalation: it begins,
reaches a peak, and then the exhalation begins, and then ends.
Similarly, you can be aware of the mood as changing; when you are
patient enough and willing to sustain attention, a mood is definitely
impermanent - it isn't a solid block. If we don't recognise our moods in
this way, we're always either indulging in them or resisting them, and
they have a great influence on how we experience life. But as soon as I
awaken and pay attention, my relationship to conditions changes. Instead
of being deluded by the conditioned realm, I observe it. There is the
state of knowing, of being aware of the changingness of conditioned
phenomena, behind which there is the Unconditioned. With intuitive
awareness, we find that silence, the unconditioned, as an embracing
background, within which the conditions are in perspective. They are the
way they are, they're like this: but then they end, they cease.
On the personal level I can feel afraid: even to think of Enlightenment
or realising the Deathless could be seen as an over-estimation or
delusion. Sometimes we prefer to think of ourselves in negative terms
because we think that by being humble and admitting our faults we are
being honest. But in fact we have to let go of that luxury of seeing
ourselves as a damaged person, or a helpless victim of circumstances:
'My mother never loved me - that's why I am the way I am,' 'I never had
the opportunities that you've had', or whatever. I'm not trying to make
fun of that but I'm pointing out that if we're attached to those roles,
then we will always experience life in that way. But there is an escape;
there is a release from the suffering of delusion and from the power of
that conditioning.
We might think: 'Well, the Buddha did it, but that was over two thousand
five hundred years ago, and it's only hearsay. I didn't know Gotama the
Buddha, so maybe they just made it up - maybe there wasn't any Gotama
the Buddha.' But if you practise and develop mindfulness, it doesn't
matter whether the Buddha ever existed - because the teaching works.
We're not demanding historical accuracy, but: does it work? Is there an
escape from suffering? Do you know when suffering is there? Do you know
when there is no suffering?
This realm we live in as human individuals is basically a realm that is
changing - and it's kammic, everything depends on something else. Having
a human body connects us to the condition of ageing. Now I can create
suffering around the ageing process of this body if I want; people do,
don't they? People pay billions for cosmetic surgery and to have
everything changed around: to get the lines out, look younger and so
forth - because if you're identified with the body then when, as is
natural, it starts getting old, you suffer.
The Buddha got old, but he didn't suffer. He had sicknesses, but he
didn't suffer. He didn't suffer when his body died, and he didn't suffer
when he was blamed for things he didn't do. A lot of terrible things
happened to the Buddha. According to the Scriptures, he had to put up
with a lot of really miserable conditions: difficult monks and nuns;
being attacked by a drunken elephant; his own cousin tried to murder him
- yet the Buddha didn't suffer. Was he just impervious, like it didn't
matter and he didn't feel a thing?
When we feel the ageing process, the pain of disease, or discomfort;
when things go wrong, and we get blamed for things we haven't done; or
when there is the death of a loved one - there's a natural feeling - but
do we have to create suffering around it? We see that there's the way it
is, the kammic inheritence in the present, which is like this - but that
suffering is caused through attachment to these conditions. When there
isn't attachment, then we still feel - there's the kammic inheritance of
our life - but we do not create anger, resentment, resistance, blame,
self-pity, fear, or desire around it.
Ask yourself: 'Why is there so much stress in a society that's aimed at
trying to create a technology to make life easier?' We've actually made
it much more stressful. There are electric washers, driers, microwave
ovens, and dishwashers so that the housewife isn't stuck in the kitchen,
having to do all kinds of tedious chores day after day, so there's more
time for - what? Travelling, worrying and feeling stressed out - getting
involved in all kinds of things that we wouldn't have been able to
before, when life was much more basic! We have all these labour-saving
devices, but then we fill our time up with activities that create
stressful psychological problems.
So I advise people to try to simplify things - not to fill the time with
activities, but to have more free time to develop meditation in daily
life. See meditation and mindfulness as something to really treasure and
respect, rather than something only to be done in a routine way before
going to work in the morning. If you regard meditation as something you
just do when you have the time for it, after a while you won't have time
for it any more - I guarantee it! Everything else seems much more urgent
than meditation, because meditation looks like you're just sitting there
not doing anything. Your family might think: 'He's just sitting there,
he's not doing anything. What good is that? He should be doing
something.'
That's the kind of society we live in; but for yourself, if you're
really interested in developing meditation, then give it an important
place - really develop a lifestyle in a way that gives you opportunities
for silent reflection. Develop samatha and vipassana,* and then
integrate them into daily life. Then you can learn a lot about the way
it is.
* samatha and vipassana: inclinations in meditation aimed
respectively at steadying the mind and investigating the object of
meditation.
With cittanupassana you can be aware of what you're feeling in regards
to other people. If you feel anger towards your husband, you can at
least notice that: 'Right now there's anger, and it's like this...',
rather than getting caught up in blaming him, or trying to not admit it.
Admitting it doesn't mean that it's permanent, or anything other than:
'It's like this.' - and that helps to relieve the tension, because
you're not caught. Consider how, if you're infatuated with somebody, you
don't want to think that there's anything wrong with them; even if they
have their faults it doesn't seem to matter, you can brush them aside.
But when you're blaming someone, it's hard to remember anything good
they've ever done, though you can remember accurately everything they've
ever done wrong!
In this practice of mindfulness, we are willing to bear with the nasty
side of life in our own minds. We are willing to let bad thoughts,
resentments, all these kinds of negative emotions be conscious - to let
them be the way they are. We come to trust in our Refuge, and just let
mind-states be the way they are, without creating guilt or resistance
around them. It still feels this way: if it's a bad thought it still
feels bad, but our relationship to it is one of kindness, or patience.
That then allows the condition to cease. It's resolved; it ceases. So if
we recognise and understand our moods and their effects, we no longer
create suffering around them or in our relationships with other human
beings.
Forest Sangha Newsletter: October 2000, Number 54
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