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Venerable Ajahn Medhanandi -
Everything is There
to Teach Us
Across
the globe, political and religious extremists are spreading terror and
causing trauma through increasingly desperate acts of violence. The
typical response is more of the same reprisal following aggression
whether between nations, families, or individuals. What happens on the
outside goes on within us too and the spiral of hatred escalates. Where
does it stop?
Though we may feel powerless to effect change on a global level, we can
nurture our ability to reconcile and restore harmony and trust in our
own lives. With the balm of forgiveness, we learn to soothe old rancour
and make way for optimism and joy in our relationships.
Six special qualities, the saraniya dhamma, are conducive to
reconciliation: moral integrity and conscientiousness; threefold
loving-kindness in what we do, say, or think; generosity a
selflessness that enables us to give not only of our physical resources
but also our time, knowledge, and friendship; and Right View seeing
life as it really is the first link of the Noble Eightfold Path.
Unwavering dedication to goodness is our best defence against the
disintegrating forces of grudge and malice. To resist their undermining
influence, we must go beyond merely paying lip-service to ethical
precepts and performing token acts of generosity. We have to be
scrupulous, inclining our minds towards goodwill in every way and
treating others with respect and consideration whatever we feel about
them.
This demonstrates a willingness to reconcile with persons both close and
hostile to us: even those we would not ordinarily tolerate warrant a
gesture of peace. But the value of forgiveness is independent of the
response or outcome it elicits. Positive or not, it matters only that we
do what is right. Our overt attempts may be misinterpreted, poorly
received, or simply too late. What if the person has died? Whether they
are present or not, our spiritual recovery and well-being are served
when we silently forgive them and ourselves.
Right View, essential to this process, delivers the mental clarity we
need to understand the laws of karma: that skilful acts lead to
wholesome results and unskilful acts to harm. Secondly, we perceive the
impermanence, suffering, and impersonal nature of all conditioned
existence. Once we recognise our ability to affect our karma, our
insight into these truths moves us to live accordingly: we take care to
avoid causing harm in any way.
By abandoning all that betrays what we hold dear, the saraniya
dhamma begin to bear fruit. But that may require us to make changes
in our life. Most of us have little time or interest in investigating
our experience. Mesmerized by sense-pleasures and anxious about our
commitments, we are perpetually busy chasing after the latest gadget or
fun-packed event, a promotion at work or a more satisfying relationship.
So how will we gain that clarity and perspective?
Take time to stop and inquire, "What's troubling me?" Do you feel angry,
broken, or distressed? The world is rife with these afflictions, but all
our insurance policies and wealth, our comfortable homes, or rewarding
jobs offer only passing relief not the ultimate refuge that comes from
knowing the nature of our stress and how to free ourselves from it.
A monastery can feel like a secure place. We leave the world behind only
to join an exclusive society of robed, shaven-headed confrθres with
shared aspirations, striving to live by the highest principles. But
don't think that monks and nuns float around in saintly harmony and
meditative bliss.
Monastic community is a melting pot of temperaments and karmic
predicaments with the heat turned up and the lid fastened tight. Being
dependent on alms and denied our habitual escape routes entertainments
and free choice as to how and with whom we spend our time render us
vulnerable and teach us how we must let go. Yet, in spite of our
commitment to awaken and purify ourselves, sometimes we break down or
'break' each other down because we are human and fallible.
When we fall, our monastic siblings, much as our friends or family, hold
up a mirror for us to reflect what we are doing and how we have strayed
from the Path. That can be humiliating and galling. The opportunity to
reconcile emerges when we ask for forgiveness, a practice core to the
Vinaya, our moral code of discipline. Under the protective canopy of
community, we help each other forward and re-establish rapport according
to prescribed conventions: we acknowledge our error, are formally
forgiven, and begin again.
As wisdom matures, we learn to swallow the bitter pill of honest
feedback. Without it, we keep believing wrongly that others are to
account for our distress or outrage. When there is no 'need' for
forgiveness, when we can live in harmony, pure loving-kindness naturally
arises and we no longer blame.
Curious to try hermetic life, in 1999, I stepped outside the monastic
cloister. The following years without the support of the sorority were a
test of my refuge, compelling me to rely on the qualities of compassion
and forgiveness as never before. Still bound by monastic precepts,
living on my own stirred feelings of anxiety and insecurity. From day to
day, I did not know how my needs would be provided. There were no
guarantees.
In time, the dragons of greed, anger, blame all the desires in the
mind rose up menacingly to break me into small pieces. Although my
spiritual sisters were no longer physically present, so many years of
having them mirror back to me my frailties helped me see myself more
clearly. Alone, I continued to benefit from the committee of their
'voices' and I would ask myself, "Why am I afraid?"
Those challenging times taught me where discontent begins: with fear,
with wishing to be safe, with lack of faith, with wrong view about the
nature of Reality. It was only when I was aware of the internal disquiet
that I could calm my mind whereas being upset that no one had come
forward to help only exacerbated my distress. I had to accept the
situation to gain any measure of serenity and be grateful for those
tough blessings.
You don't have to take up the robe to practise in this way. Wherever we
are, the earth under our feet is the place of our spiritual work. And
the people we are in contact with are our best teachers not least
those who refuse to tolerate our foibles and temper tantrums because
they highlight our weak points. So you might consider feeling grateful
to them. Their rebuffs may be an unsung blessing not acknowledged, not
likely to be appreciated, and certainly not what we would consciously
invite into our lives.
Sometimes people comment disapprovingly about our Theravada tradition,
"Good life if you can get it." Not long ago, I was waiting in a clinic.
A woman sitting next to me asked about my lifestyle. "How do you pay for
the doctor?" she pressed. When I explained that my supporters looked
after me, she became indignant. "Not bad," she huffed. "You don't even
work and you get everything for free."
I pondered her limited view. How would she know what I faced everyday
living as I do? More than stamina, I had to draw on all my conviction to
survive as a mendicant, depending on others for my every need.
How was I blessed by this difficult moment? I could bear her
ungraciousness because the judgments of the world are not the measure of
what I do or how I live. Even if people blame or belittle me and I feel
misunderstood, I must be patient with their criticism and not take
umbrage or lose heart.
Ask yourself, "What is this person teaching me?" Staying with the
breath, allow painful or uncomfortable feelings to arise and fade away
in their own time according to their nature. Trust in this awareness,
not in the nice things people say. As soon as you're praised, in the
next moment, you'll be blamed. See their effect: how success and
failure, happiness and unhappiness, pain and pleasure impinge on us and
how letting them go frees us. Everything is a teaching.
Would you be willing to learn from the person you don't like? Can a
bully also be your teacher? Unwittingly, they may point out our flaws
and attachments but we would hardly say to them, "You're my teacher."
Our readiness to learn is no indication of the other person's ability to
understand or respond skilfully. Sometimes we have to say, "I'm sorry."
That demands humility. And sometimes we set boundaries that's tough
compassion. Once you draw the line, honour it.
So how can we be kind to someone who mistreats us? Are we even aware of
the bombs we detonate within our own minds? We CAN make peace with life
just as it is and assume responsibility for the grenades we hang on to
having already pulled the pin. Put down your weapons. Realise your own
shortcomings and don't blame others. If we keep doing these two things,
we will be able to approach suffering without wallowing in it and uplift
ourselves. From our brokenness will come healing and joy.
Don't worry about how it will be tomorrow, just do this one step at a
time. Moment by moment. That's the practice. Practising kindness means
not practising hatred. Every time we entertain a moment of hostility, we
condition ourselves to be more hostile. And every time we let go that
hostility, we practise the Path: knowing when we're hanging on and when
we're able to let go and letting go.
For each of us, this journey is unique. Wherever we are, whatever we
profess, we have to give up the dragons we grab and cling to, believing
them to be our friends. Purifying ourselves, we infuse the qualities of
gratitude and loving-kindness into all that we do. When we act from a
good heart, our life gains beauty and meaning.
Where does the violence stop? It stops with me. Remember the ten Amish
schoolgirls in Pennsylvania, five of whom died when they were shot by a
crazed milk truck driver. How compelling the forgiveness of their
community when they publicly embraced the family of the murderer.
We may not be able to control the violence on the outside. Forgiveness
is seldom easy. But it is possible.
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